It’s been a long time since I updated on my blog.  I think I just haven’t felt like I’ve had anything to say despite so many changes.  But I find myself with more down time than I’ve had in many, many years lately so it’s time for an update.  My cancer diagnosis came a little over a year ago.  Before I go any further, I’ll tell you that the doctors are considering me to be in remission.  They’re surprised even though I always told them that we’d get there.  I’ve been told that the treatment I am currently still getting, will hopefully keep the cancer away for 20 years.  I’ve told them that it’s going to stay away permanently, but I’ll still take my oncologists advice to finish the treatment just for grins.

Since I last wrote a lot has happened.  I’ve had surgery for my doctor to remove the tissue around the tumor sites and remove all of the lymph nodes under my right arm.  That was a great success and the pathology reports came back with clear margins.  After surgery, I began radiation.  I had 44 rounds of external radiation and 1 round of internal radiation.  That was not the most fun time in my life.  I don’t know if it was just the mental aspect of being in a cancer ward every single day for over 8 weeks or the fact that I had to take that time off at work and missed my students and co-workers but it was a push.  Everyday I had to will myself to get on the train or in the car and drive over an hour each way for that 30 minute appointment.  Radiation kind of became my whole life for that 8 weeks and I am not someone who likes focussing on being sick.  I was surrounded by others who were also battling cancer and that was depressing.  There was the guy who had some sort of skin cancer and they had removed a portion of his face.  Another man had a mouth or gum cancer and he walked around with a napkin stuck to his chin to catch the uncontrollable drool.  The tall guy with only part of his jaw and no ear.  Bald people everywhere.  People with discolored skin.  And I was one of them.  And the reality hit me in the face like a brick wall.  I didn’t want to be there.  I didn’t want to see the same people, working endlessly on the stupid jigsaw puzzles that were in every waiting room.  It was a collaborative effort.  I placed a few pieces while I was waiting for my room to get set up.  And, everyday that puzzle would become more complete and the picture clearer until at the end of the week, it was finished.  By the next day, a new puzzle to work on would be on the table.  It just represented an endless cycle to me and it was depressing.  Everything about it.  I wanted to be at school, helping my kids, joking with my SPED team, sitting in classes.  I wanted to hang out with my friends and not think cancer.  My mom came to visit me and looking back, I should have insisted that it was just not the right time.  Of course as a mom, I understand her need to be there.  She just wanted to help me in any way that she could.  Most people who know me, know I don’t accept help very easily, even from my mom. I tried to make it fun because God knows I needed the distraction and I really wanted mom to see other parts of Europe, but I was just in a dark place and to this day, I hope I wasn’t too much of a downer.

My last round of radiation was internal.  It was not pleasant and I’m so glad I didn’t know what I was up for.  This was a time I was very grateful for the language barrier because I would have been scared out of my mind at the procedure that was done.  Rods were inserted into the breast tissue, completely through from one side to the other. My right breast was a medical shish-ka-bob.  Everyone who has ever experienced medical care in Belgium knows that while the medical care is good, they are not great at pain management.  For the internal radiation, I was given some sort of liquid sedative and that was it.  I can tell you that sedative was not enough.  I was holding the nurses hand so tightly, tears running down my face onto the operating table and I looked at my radiologist in the eyes and said ‘I can’t believe you can do this to women!’ and he said “I can’t believe women can tolerate it.”… and I could tell there was a genuine sadness to the pain he knew he was causing me.  Somehow, that two sentence conversation got me through the insertion of the next four rods.  Things got better after that.  My dear friend Kelly I. made me this incredible burn cream from her DOTERRA oils and my skin started to heal just in time to head to Iowa and Washington for Spring Break.

Many warnings came from friends who were either from Iowa or had lived there in the past about the weather being extreme and the towns being boring but, I didn’t care.  I was going to get to watch James play college baseball!  I was going to be able to see his girlfriend, Katie and meet some of his friends.  We got to make team lunches like any good past team mom.  At night we’d go to dinner, talk about our favorite parts of the day and sometimes swim at the hotel pool and hot tub afterwards.  Mark’s parents came for a couple of games and we were able to celebrate their upcoming anniversary together.  Military families know how difficult it can be to celebrate an anniversary in person so that was special for us.  Katie’s parents drove from the Chicago area to see a game and have dinner and that week flew by faster than most weeks.  It was a good thing I had a quick trip to Washington before we headed back to Belgium, otherwise I might have rented an apartment and stayed in Dubuque!  Washington was perfect but short.  Seeing my dad for the first time in three years was emotional for me.  He’s a man of few words unless it’s a joke or details about how to take care of the grass.  As anyone who knows me can imagine, I was not an easy teenager.  There were ups and downs with my poor parents a lot and I think it was harder on my dad that I was so difficult. I’ve always considered us a close family though so that time with Dad was important to me.  And my sweet nieces and nephews!!   So awesome to them and also a little sad too, knowing how much I’m missing of their lives by being in Europe.  We took an awesome day trip on a beautiful boat, did a Seattle Duck Tour and even explored a building with paranormal activity!  As we headed back to Belgium, I felt like the darkness in my heart from my radiation schedule was lifted.

It wasn’t long before it was time for James to come home for the summer.  The best feeling in the world is when your kids are all under one roof again and this was no exception.  Katie came for a visit too and we love the energy and laughter she always brings!  We spent time in England and James and Katie went back to Lock Bridge in Paris and found the lock that they’d placed a year earlier. When Katie had to return to the states, we cheered ourselves up with a weeks trip to Spain.  The island of Mallorca was beautiful and just what we needed!  The landscape ranged from beaches to mountains and even had some areas that were desserts.  We took a boat ride out to the other parts of the island and snorkeled, saw Mallorca penguins and spent a lot of down time at the private villa where we stayed.  The villa had a gorgeous view of the Mediterranean and the city lights.  That vacation was our celebration of Mark’s retirement, the recent doctors visit where we actually heard the word ‘remission’ for the first time and an upcoming new phase in our lives.

The next phase was a focus on Mark’s retirement.  For most it’s a somewhat scary prospect!  The military had been telling him what to do, where to do it, what to wear and when for the past 20 years.  It was time to move on.  We still are counting our blessings that he got the first job he applied for and interviewed with.  It reminded me of a conversation Mark and I had when we were dating.  I asked him where he saw himself in 20+ years.  He told me that he wanted to retire from the military and work for the Army Corps of Engineers.  We moved to Wiesbaden one month ago and Mark loves his job as the project manager of several projects.  Most of them are DoDDS schools and all of his projects are in the Bavaria region.  I cannot wait to go with him when he has to check in one building progress visits!  I foresee some beautiful trips in my future!  Jacqueline Molly has settled into school and loves it here too.  James was able to spend the first three weeks of our time in Germany with us and he was a huge help in the move!  We are all still missing him as he headed back to UD last week.  His summer was exciting too as he met up with a scout from the Toronto Blue Jays.  While he wasn’t drafted, he got some great pointers and drills that he will take back to school with him for fall ball.  He also got to pick out and customize a couple of bats by a bat company that sponsors the scout.  It was fun for all of us to be a part of that day!

And for me… it’s a little quiet here.  School has started.  I’m not working so I can focus on my health.  I’m not comfortable with the weight that I gained over the past year.  Some of it can be attributed to steroids, some from hormone medications and some from comfort foods.  I will be focussing on getting this weight off so I don’t need to buy a new wardrobe!  My port has become problematic.  I told Mark that my body knows what it wants, when it wants it and right now, my body seems intent on evicting the port.  It has been slowly shifting and lately, it feels like it’s going to pop out of my skin.  I’ve attached pictures that I had to send to my care team as it has gotten worse in the last ten days.  The doctors would prefer that the port stay in for three years.  The type of cancer I had has a high return rate.  They said that if it comes back, they will want to start chemo again right away and by keeping the port, we could get that going faster.  I need it to work for four more treatments and then it needs to come out, but that will be a negotiation with my care team.  They will either need to reinsert it deeper into my body or take it out and take our chances.  Overall it’s been a good fight.  I’m still swinging and my money is on me for the win.