I was talking with a friend yesterday whom I haven’t seen in a while.  We were catching up and I was telling him more about what was going on with me medically.  He asked me “Does it ever get old, explaining all of this over and over as I’m sure you must be doing” and I told him that because I really haven’t had any experience with cancer, it is still somewhat new to me as well.  And it still is interesting to me.  I have never had first hand information about cancer or treatments before.  Of course cancer has touched all of our lives in some way.  The girlfriend from high school who went through treatment and is cancer free now.  The friend who has a mom/sister/aunt who unfortunately lost their battle with the disease.  The inspirational stories of people who fight it.  But, first hand experience is new to me. And at times, I am strangely detached about it all.  I can talk about it and not really feel like I am talking about myself.  Some of the oddest conversations I have had, come to me in the form of comparisons.  Growing up as an identical twin, I am unusually used to being compared to someone.  People use to try to remember how to tell my sister Jackie and I apart by saying things like ‘long hair, short name; short hair long name’ when she had the shorter hair.  We once had hoodies that said ‘I’m Jan, not Jackie’ and hers said ‘I’m Jackie, not Jan’ but the naughty girls that we sometimes were, we would often switch them.  We looked so much alike, many times we switched classes to help each other out in a subject the other was better at and no one was the wiser.  We could talk on the phone as each other, break up with a boyfriend when it was just too uncomfortable to do ourselves and once, Jackie renewed my drivers license when I couldn’t get home by my expiration date.  So, comparisons have always been a part of my life.  But the comparisons come in varied ways when it comes to cancer.  There was the guy who told me that his poor friend had cancer.  That guy died after his third round of chemo.  Or, the lady who told me that her dog had cancer and that it must be easier for me because I am human and can understand what the doctors tell me.  Now, I’m not totally sure if these are meant to be comparisons but when they are talking with me, someone who is fighting for her life with cancer, it can feel like a comparison.  I try to erase these conversations from my memory bank, but it can be a challenge.  Case in point, the guy who told me that he didn’t believe in chemo.  He said he feels like anything that is so toxic it makes your hair fall out, can’t be good for you.  Ummmmmm  yeah.  Agreed.  Not much to argue about that but for people with cancer, our options can be somewhat limited and turning down one of the most successful treatment plans doesn’t seem like the wisest decision; toxic levels that cause hair to fall out or not. In the long run, the comparisons of my own are the things that keep me focussed.  When I compare my situation to those of others, I feel very lucky!!  We all can look at situations in our lives and know that no matter what, things could always be worse.  Even in my darkest moments, I can still find something that points to how fortunate I am in comparison to what they could be.

And segueing into the Chemo portion of this post, I started this blog to keep my beloved friends and family up to date on things.  Last week, I received my 2nd round of chemo and again, I haven’t had any major issues.  I almost feel guilty saying that as I know for many people who have undergone chemotherapy, it is a difficult deal.  There are different forms of chemo and I wouldn’t want to take away from their experience.  Fortunately for me, I haven’t experienced terrible side effects.  After the first round, there were two days and one night that I didn’t quite feel myself.  But, this second round I’ve had very little adverse reactions.  Slight heartburn which no one told me about.  A loss of appetite but hello?!?!  Finally, weight loss that isn’t difficult!  I chalk that up in the positive side of the column!!  I can tell a difference in my energy levels and I have been resting more than I usually do, but that’s about it.  I am trying not to be arrogant about it because I have one more round of chemo using the same cocktail that I’ve gotten the last two rounds and then my doctor will be switching things up. I’ll get a different chemo cocktail which I’ve been told may be a little more difficult so time will tell if that one will be the mix that knocks me out for a minute.  Either way, I’m prepared.  And I am counting my many blessings.  The support of friends and family has been overwhelming for me.  The simple but heartfelt e-mails and words of kindness continue to touch my heart and strengthen my soul in many ways.

I’ll end this post in a random way – just thoughts that I can’t put into a ‘C’ category or just things going on in the Workman household.

People ask me all the time about Mark and the kids.  They are handling this extremely well.  I know it is hard for James to be so far away and unable to help but he’s dealing with that by calling frequently even if it’s just to say ‘hi’.  I get sweet e-mails to let me know he is thinking of me.  He tells me that when he is tired or needs a little inspiration, he looks at his pink bracelet that he always wears.  He has been going to church a few times a week and I know that he is feeling stronger and has a renewed faith through it all.  I am so glad he has such a wonderful girlfriend who knows me, who we all love  and who is there by his side.  Jacqueline Molly has the ‘pleasure’ of dealing with the day-to-day. She gets a morning shot of what I call cancer juice, a mixture of juiced/blended vegetables in a glass. She is also keenly aware of my weekly doctor appointments, chemo dates and other details that involve a mom battling with cancer.  I was sad to have missed her first volleyball game of the year last weekend.  I had chemo on a Thursday and she left for England on Friday.  It hasn’t been advisable to be too far from my doctors the first 48 hours after chemo so we weren’t able to go and cheer her on. Despite it all, she and James have handled this well.  They both know that their mom can be a little stubborn so they know as well as I do that this is just temporary.  As for Mark, he’s the rock he always has been.  He tells me that my job is to rest when I need to, submit to my weekly white blood cell checks, sit there and play nice when it’s time to be in one place for hours at a time during my chemo drips and he takes care of the rest.  He is the best secretary ever, keeping paperwork, prescriptions, insurance stuff and dates firmly organized and accounted for.  I know this must be hard for him too, but he is sailing along as solid as he always has been.  I am so incredibly thankful for my cool family.

It’s birthday week here in our house!!  Jackie turns sixteen tomorrow.  I know all moms say this, but I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!!!  I am in denial!!  Kids in Europe cannot drive at 16 so while it is still that coming of age birthday, it can sometimes be a little anti-climatic in comparison to her stateside friends who post pictures with their shiny new drivers licenses.  I’m sad that she doesn’t get that experience but in reality, as I get older, 16 just feels too young to drive.  She will however, be able to buy and consume alcohol here in Europe.  That brings on a whole new set of concerns but Jackie is pretty focussed academically and with her involvement in sports so I am not incredibly worried.

I’m sure the upcoming week will be detailed further in a future blog, but all good things here at the end of September.  The opening of The Real Inspector Hound at the community theater where I feel a part of my heart and soul resides.  I’ve had the pleasure of working with a couple of my favorite thespians this week.  I’ve been line reading to assist in their memorization and I can’t help but get lost in the humor of the play.  I can’t wait to see it translated on stage Thursday on opening night.  Next up, is Oktoberfest!!  I’ve lived in Europe for four years now and I still feel like Oktoberfest should be in October, but who cares! Bring it on in September and I’ll still go.  It’s a fun glimpse into the German culture if just for a few nights.  SHAPE does its own version and many attendees dress up in lederhosen and dirndl’s.  Authentic German musicians play live every night.  A few nights of singing and dancing and it wouldn’t be complete without the mugs of German beer and food that is served.  I’m looking forward to meeting up with our friends to partake in the once a year tradition that is Oktoberfest.  Also rounding out our month is The Color Run.  I am so excited about this one.  Ever since I heard about Color Runs, I’ve wanted to participate in one.  When I heard that there was one coming to Brussels, I was signed up within the opening hour of registration.  I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that I feel incredibly honored that there is a group of people doing this in support of my battle with breast cancer so I will be running this with many friends by my side and I cannot wait!!  Besides all of the fun things on my calendar, I also have to say that I get an abundance of joy from my day-to-day life.  I have a job that feels like I can make a difference.  I have the best co-workers who are also my very good friends.  I am happy and healthy (besides the cancer thing) in ways that I can only count as blessings.